Hello, it’s me again. I just slept the entire day today despite my plans of making this weekend productive. I did play some online mahjong (Mahjong Soul) but I kept losing – 4 games in a row, I was in fourth place – and so I got frustrated and went to bed. Four hours later, it’s 8PM, and I decided to come here to let some of these thoughts out. What’s a better way to unload all of these thoughts than to the internet? I don’t think people still read this so this is the perfect venue – it’s public, but also, not really!
Anyway, I wanted to talk about midlife crisis. I never really felt this until after I turned the big 4-0. That was last year. Ever since, an invisible line has showed up, separating me from my youth. I now feel more disconnected than ever from people – from building new relationships, and even sustaining current relationships that come and go. What I mean is, I can’t be bothered anymore. Although I want to be involved in activities – things like night outs, travels, get-togethers, day-to-day interactions – it feels weird when I initiate these things. I feel like I have to be nonchalant, to drown out my excitement, to let things happen, or not happen. While the lives of the people around me go on, I felt stuck – and it was my choice. I only ever hangout with the same people, and it’s only those people who reach out. I don’t do the reaching out anymore. Sometimes I do, but if I’m met with silence or any hint of hesitation, I immediately shut down and say “never mind”. My boss told me maybe I am indeed an extrovert. I always was proud that I was an introvert – but being this distant from people has affected my energy, and my overall feelings about life in general. It sometimes gets to the point that I think of going home for good?
In terms of where I am in life – I also feel stuck. My career is not progressing as I want it to. And I’m also at the brink of just giving up and letting life take its course. When I want something so badly and I don’t get it, it gets frustrating and demotivating. So, I feel like I should be doing more with the little time I have left in this world. Sure, work gives me the means to live my life comfortably, to see the world – but I want to do something more. My conversations with friends in the same situation or “age group” now evolve around what our passion really is and are we pursuing it? When I was younger, my passion was in traveling and photography – sharing to the world the things I see and experience in my travels, especially to my favorite country, which is Japan. But now, I think about who benefits from that passion. Not me (my blogging is not really about generating income although that would have been nice), not my country (and I will expound about this in the next section), maybe only a few friends who want recommendations and tips to have a good travel experience. That used to be enough. But, with all of the resources available now (everyone’s a travel guru with just one visit to a country – sorry, not sorry), I feel like there’s no additional value that I can add to this department. This is also one big reason why I stopped posting things. People don’t really care anymore.
So where can I add value? I still like traveling, and taking photos (although now more casually than before). I still like talking to the internet, let it decide who ends up reading my thoughts (much like Threads haha). But I also want to really help out my country. The Philippines. It makes me sad when I read about the younger generation losing hope and wanting to just escape this “hell hole” as they call it. I am still hopeful – not with the government, no. But I think as citizens of this country, there are still some things we can do for us to go in the right direction. The thing is, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. And this is where I struggle with people’s opinions on things. People like progress, but they don’t want to sacrifice anything to get it. A great example is transportation – we want trains and efficient bus systems. But, we don’t want to let go of our jeepneys (and how the current jeepney system works), we don’t want to let go of the lands that will be affected when we construct these railways and subways (this is a reason for major delays in development), we don’t want when some of our road space is taken to become pure bus lanes. There’s always so many complaints! And I get it, we can adapt solutions that will work for our local nuances, but we need to give up something to get something better. I am rambling, so I better go back to my trail of thought. I want to add value by promoting the Philippines more. What we have to offer to our local citizens. Not to tourists. We have to learn to love our country first. I love what Erwan is doing with FEATR, promoting not just Filipino cuisine and ingredients, but even the culture behind it. I love how Jessica Lee is doing her Probinsya series, exploring each province of the country and highlighting the not-so-common sights and things to do in those areas. That really gives me hope, and I want to do something similar. Start small, maybe my neighborhood – my hometown (Cebu), and then crowdsource for the other places I won’t be able to get to for now. Feel free to steal this idea because I want this to happen, even if I’m not the one doing it. Haha. But yes, this is a passion project I want to pursue.
Now let me talk about SB19 and what those guys are doing for our country! I’ve been supporting them since that fateful day the Go Up dance practice went viral. I saw their passion, I saw their potential and I saw the possibilities a lot of Filipinos at that time couldn’t see or appreciate (some of my friends included). But look at where they are now? They’re a perfect symbol for what our country could be – if we nurture our culture, our talents, and just keep moving forward – we will get there! My support for the boys will continue in this second half of my life! I mean, I have traveled to Australia to see them in their Pagtatag! World Tour, and I will see them in Osaka next week for Summer Sonic! I will also keep posting about them on my socials (and maybe here as well) because I want them to succeed and carry the flag for our country. I have high hopes in what they’ve built (1Z) because if they do it right, this will not be a one-time thing – the future talents of this country now have a template to follow, the road has been paved. I said on Threads that I don’t mind if my career will not be as successful, as long as SB19’s career will be – and I mean that, in the sense that the value they bring with their success is something I want us to reap as a country. Bow.
OK, I really just rambled, huh? To sum up this post about midlife crisis – it’s not easy. There are low days, well, most are low days. But the high days are still there. With the right people around me, with my hope for the country fueling my passion for life, I can get through this, I think. Haha. I probably also need to talk to a therapist already. That’s something I need to accomplish this year. And yeah, I should post here more often. This was therapeutic. No need for AI to help me write my thoughts, I don’t care if this fails the SEO and readability scores (bloggers know what this is) – I’m going to blog like I used to. I forgot to mention how being in your 40s also make you very VERY nostalgic for the old days. We can’t bring it back but we can try to experience it again if we want. Maybe in my next post I’ll talk about the advantages of being 40, and inspire those who are dreading getting here. I hope I didn’t scare you with my midlife crisis. It’s bad for me but it probably won’t be as bad for you. I just like making things difficult for myself. 🙂
That said, I’ll end this post with a song from Pablo that perfectly encapsulates my everyday feelings, and my wanting to still be positive about it. I just need to be able to accept that I am where I am, and that things will be good as long as I keep moving forward, no matter how slow.